hiBEARnation

Its now February and that means we are greeting Friends old and new back into our arms after their sabbaticals, some have been attempting dry January by avoiding alcohol  after a festive season of excess! others have been forced into the life of a hermit by the 6 weeks between paydays! and others have been taking part in their natural yearly cycle of hiBEARnation. By which i mean the weeks and months where the nights draw in and the temperature drops and the bears metabolisms start to slow and they build up their nests and dens and sleep through until the sun reappears.

The first symptoms of hibearnation often begin to show around the same time as strictly come dancing/ x factor auditions starts on Saturday nights, you will get the warning signs of a friend preparing for this when they can no longer meet up either until after a specific time or not at all. They also start posting facebook updates about horlicks or a cosy glass of wine! Hibearnation can also take on the form of the sudden settling down relationships that often occur in winter but i will saved that for another post!

Sadly there is currently no known cure for hibearnation all you can do if you or a friend is afflicted by this condition is simply just to wait and see it through! and know that as soon as the sun comes back so will the gays! plus its Push the Button on the 22nd!!

A RETURN AND REVIEW

Ok i have greatly neglected this blog so apologies so lets get back to it!

First i want to start back on a slightly different tone than my other posts, but rest assured my self proclaimed light hearted take on modern gay life. (if any readers have any recommendations dont forget to send me a message)

Now i have a slightly ulterior motive for starting this blog off again! i have just watched the documentary "i woke up gay" a bbc documentary shown on bbc 2 available on iplayer for the next week. The documentary follows a man who lives in a rural Welsh valley town who after suffering a stroke as a result of a head injury found himself to be gay!

He believes that it was the stroke that fundamentally changed his brain causing him to become gay, this has raised a number of conversations amongst my friends, i wont focus on the petty quibbles ive read online from people critical of his appearance! He does now very much resemble a certain type with his bleached hair and long fringe.

Now the two main thought processes i have had since watching this documentary is what "type" of gays do you get and why and the repercussions of what might happen if a genetic discovery of what causes homosexuality might be.

1: Types: ok now this is a much debatable discussion, you get camp guys, you get butch guys, leather guys and sporty guys all gay, But what i am mostly looking at in relation to this documentary is this rural guy who most likely didn't have any gay friends or contact with a variety of different gay people before the incident. To see that being gay is just as much about being yourself and finding a fit for yourself, be that a rocker, a bear or any of the above. The "camp" bright haired, TOPMAN kitted gay guy is however in my opinion one of the most prevalent in the media, he is safe as he is obvious, a neon sign above his head telling straight guys he is no risk to them or their girlfriends, They are also from my experience far more common in a provincial environment. Now i know being in London colours me to this there is a large and somewhat varied gay scene with different bars styled and catering for different subcultures so it is not a random free for all like there is in a one gay bar type town. Now i live just outside London so before i went out in London and grew my beard and felt i fitted in, I was also a bleached blonde haired gay boy who went to the local gay bar! i also spent three years in South Wales where this type was the stereotype, the university LGBT was made up of guys like this two a penny, So i wonder what is it that makes this type so prevalent, is it an armor of being obvious where acceptance is maybe not as welcoming is being camper and more feminine a way to find acceptance by fitting to peoples somewhat narrow minded view of what being gay should be?

Genetics: Now the second part in which the documentary focused on is whether he was gay before, or if the stroke made him gay, i have wondered myself for years as to how long i was gay, I knew from a reasonably young age which i know is different from alot of people. Now i will say that in my opinion it was not Kylie Minogue, my Mums liking of George Michael or my prepubescent liking for wearing my mums suede boots and my sisters swimming costume and accosting my neighbours yelling at the top of my lungs "for the honour of grayskull i am SHE-RA" I was also greatly obsessed by he-mans furry pants, my Robbie Williams poster and the male models in the freeman's catalogue, Now i was lucky that i was introduced to two "uncles" who were in a long term committed relationship to see that being gay was just as normal as anything else. But it was not until my early teens that i learnt what being gay meant and everything just fell into place it was like putting a name to a face. So i strongly believe that being gay is genetic rather than mental.

Now this is what concerns me that if it was a common belief that it is a mental choice! that if people choose to be gay?? and the possibly repercussions that could cause. If people believe it was a choice to be gay it would give strong support to gay conversion therapy, and then what CBT to cure it? Medication for a neurological condition? how much further will conversion therapies go? i believe if maybe somewhat slightly paranoid way that it is naive to think that the tide of acceptance may not always continue to flow in our favor, and this feeling of mentality i feel would lead to much greater dangers!

I feel in my opinion that he was always gay and that the stroke maybe lowered his inhibitions which is common in stroke victims which resulted in his willingness to come out or the possible near death experience made him revaluate his life and gave him the courage to come out, I also feel that as evident in the documentary with his mums lack of contact with him shows that he was maybe not from the most accepting of families or areas and so buried his homosexuality so deep that it no longer bothered him, i also feel that being from a backround like his it was maybe easier for him to "hide" behind the stroke with it acting as a catalyst for his coming out.. Using it as a platform and claiming his homosexuality to be something out of his control and not his choice, making him a victim of circumstance. which maybe he thought would ensure better acceptance from his family and friends?

I dont know... but thats it for today i will be back to my usual commentary on DJs, muscles and vests soon enough.

Chris x

8: BOYFRIENDS

Now apologies to all my readers, well all several of you! i know i haven't written on this for some time so forgive me but i have been distracted for the past six months by a very wonderful thing!!!

i'm talking about my BOYFRIEND!! Chris Winfield. (the hot guy with the mohawk)

Now in fully keeping with the message of this blog and me trying not to gush about howhot he is, i am going to attempt to explain why gays love having boyfriends.

Ok here it is, put it simply that nothing feels as amazing as waking up on a weekend morning in bed next to someone without any plans and knowing you can just spend the day together.

I have been obsessed about touching things for all my life (STOP IT!) maybe it was about making something real by being able to touch, it was what always frustrated me about museums that you could only look and never touch. now i have touched antiques and artifacts that are hundreds if not thousands of years old, opening an old book that different people have read at different times of their lives knowing that your hands are in the same place i always found rather magical but i can now say that the spark of that first touch of the hand between two people who have fallen in love trumps any feeling of that connecting through time because all that matters is being with another person and being in exactly the same place physically and emotionally..

and i think that is the crux or at least its the reason i can give as why gays love boyfriends. To know that you can make a difference everyday to someone else's life and feel totally fulfilled by that to know that sometimes nothing needs to be said but a complete understanding is known

and as we begin to turn my messy tut filled flat into our home i feel like a great adventurer just setting sale.

our first home purchase!

7: Pets

Now i know that i am writing this due to my heart being stolen again on saturday by the cutest most loveliest basset hound in the world, so i am dedicating this blog entry to the one and only!

Martha Farquard- Riddell

So there is a whole host of reasons as to why the gays like having pets, pseudo children/companionship/fashion accessory?? but the secret cannot be hidden that we love our pussy's and bitches!

for more reasons than not just to have the opportunity to name them after our favourite diva's and other gayified characters, i know of gays pets named, "mamma cass" and "dolly" to name a couple! i personally want a dog called "wanker" just to have an excuse to shout it out in public!

you only have to see how much the rule of love me love my dog goes such a long way in gay world, pets are allowed to appear in your manhunt profile pic where as no-one else is allowed to!!!

so here is to our gay pets! and just to irk the catholics that think that we impart our gay agenda and assimilate all innocents we come into contact with! it maybe true because ive gotta say that pets do take on the characteristics of their owners!

So Pope Benedict hear this We are taking over the world and we are raising an army of Hamsters, Cats, Snakes, Rabbits, Dogs and even Turtles to fight you!

Protein Shakes

Now this post can very easily descend into another whole host of body fascism discussion, but i wouldn't want to anger any thingboxers by suggesting that most gay men enjoy going to a gym. which is mainly true! and as a result of all this gym hopping, bench spotting, lockeroom cruising. There is the always steady gym companion and im sadly not talking jock straps, i am of course talking all colours all flavor protein shakes.

so whats wrong with a little bit of halitosis and some serious trumping action! when you have the body of an adonis! and with constant muscled torso's advertising no wonder us gays love them all we need now is ben cohen in a got milk style advertising campaign.

i am also very much aware that protein shakes are not only saved to drinking in the gym they are also a happy alternative to most office hot caffinated beverages, as i recall on one hilarious interview i went to at gaytimes (i didnt get the job on account of "not being gay enough, clearly if id only packed my shaker and 2 scoops of progain) as i was walked through the office and passed the staff room, expecting jars of sugar and masses of coffee i was met by a line of various whey protein products all individualy named and placed in acending height order! (they may be big and muscly but you cant stop the gays doing a little feng shui)

so dont delay get yourself down to holland and barretts and stock up and just to give you added evidence just look at what protein shakes did to this school boy!!! (p.s he is now my new step dad)

5: Pants. Red ones, gold ones, silver ones, black ones, pink ones they come in all colours and widths i am of course talking about designer underwear waistbands that are on show on much of the gay population! gays have embraced designer underwear since the days of marky mark in those early calvin klien adverts all the way through to Beckham, Ronaldo and Freddie Ljunberg in all their homoerotic posing in their crotch stuffing tightness glory! with pants population at an all time high, gays pants drawers are bursting at the seems! no tent polling pun intended! and the fashion producers of pants have fully embraced the power of our pink pound and by that i'm going far beyond the muscle toned lunchbox bulging model on the front of the packaging, as if us gays would be so fickle to buy underwear solely based on the attractiveness of the male model!! we all go for brains after all don't we?? but with so many brands of pants being launched online and in shops aimed at us gays you can never go wrong, you can even buy some designed by Kylie's gay bangle so you can pretend to be a kylie backing dancer whilst shaking your toushy! Now i know that we don;t all have the six ab toned stomach of these models but designer pants are the quickest and often cheapest way to ascend to the hotter ways of attractiveness and remember wearing a hot pair of pants is always the safer option for a number of reasons 1: if you get lucky and pull, do you really want to be caught out in your holey, ripped stained primark boxers, 2: Unconious in Hospital! now for a variety of reasons of how you would find yourself in this situation i will live it up to your imagination. but its the reason that a hot doctor has to cut off your jeans to operate would you rather him find hot pants or your grosse five year old grey that used to be white briefs?? and remember the Power of Pants can turn an ordinary hot guy into a god!! and for evidence of this i will show you these two examples, Nick Kamen in those Levi 501s adverts and Ben Cohen on this morning wearing nothing but his pants to raise awareness for Cancer, who also recreated the famous Kamen Laundry scene for a clip on Question of Sport!

!

4: Straight Men Now this is listed for a multiple of reasons, the main reasons i feel are the perceived masculinity of straight men, (which is often a mistake, some of the campiest men i know are straight-wrestling for instance is not a show of strength its an extended hug where you're pressing your crotches against each other) but the main basis is in my opinion is the "want what you cant have" mentality. Straight men like girls not gays, all that gay for pay, men who fuck men is rubbish! you suck cock your a gay! and the one thing that I'm sure we have all experienced is the guy who doesn't call! you have a great first date,maybe you even put out and then you never hear from them, so you give them a text and you still hear nothing! because of this playing hard to get a guy you were half interested in is now they only thing you can think of! but if you do hear something you faced with a guy whose just keeping his options open if you don't hear anything just face it he doesnt fancy you and his too much of a douche to say it to you!

but i digress why gays like straight men? is it because if you live a gay majority life, by that i mean work and play! the only time you will mostly be coming into contact with straight men other than family (wrong) and friends (risky) and work colleagues (riskier) the majority of the time you will make contact with straight men will be WORKMEN! and im talking Village People Builder/Carry On/Confessions/Porn movie shenanigans. all the caught by the window cleaner, giving a plumber help with his pipes or the mechanic with his wrench euphemisms you could shake your arse at and they will most likely not be that good looking but cos of that fabrication of the media he is made a lot more attractive and the possibility of sex sounds a far more enjoyable experience

and with that is another and final reason the prospect of a conquest! seducingthe straight man is the ultimate ego boost to the vanity of a gay man its the plot of hundreds of porn films and gay novels: the seduction of a straight man the ultimate in wanting what you cant have. but a word to the wise learn to like what you have! they are straight for a reason and most of the time they come with crabs, children and an obsession for a games console that will always mean more to them than you!