7: Pets

Now i know that i am writing this due to my heart being stolen again on saturday by the cutest most loveliest basset hound in the world, so i am dedicating this blog entry to the one and only!

Martha Farquard- Riddell

So there is a whole host of reasons as to why the gays like having pets, pseudo children/companionship/fashion accessory?? but the secret cannot be hidden that we love our pussy's and bitches!

for more reasons than not just to have the opportunity to name them after our favourite diva's and other gayified characters, i know of gays pets named, "mamma cass" and "dolly" to name a couple! i personally want a dog called "wanker" just to have an excuse to shout it out in public!

you only have to see how much the rule of love me love my dog goes such a long way in gay world, pets are allowed to appear in your manhunt profile pic where as no-one else is allowed to!!!

so here is to our gay pets! and just to irk the catholics that think that we impart our gay agenda and assimilate all innocents we come into contact with! it maybe true because ive gotta say that pets do take on the characteristics of their owners!

So Pope Benedict hear this We are taking over the world and we are raising an army of Hamsters, Cats, Snakes, Rabbits, Dogs and even Turtles to fight you!

Protein Shakes

Now this post can very easily descend into another whole host of body fascism discussion, but i wouldn't want to anger any thingboxers by suggesting that most gay men enjoy going to a gym. which is mainly true! and as a result of all this gym hopping, bench spotting, lockeroom cruising. There is the always steady gym companion and im sadly not talking jock straps, i am of course talking all colours all flavor protein shakes.

so whats wrong with a little bit of halitosis and some serious trumping action! when you have the body of an adonis! and with constant muscled torso's advertising no wonder us gays love them all we need now is ben cohen in a got milk style advertising campaign.

i am also very much aware that protein shakes are not only saved to drinking in the gym they are also a happy alternative to most office hot caffinated beverages, as i recall on one hilarious interview i went to at gaytimes (i didnt get the job on account of "not being gay enough, clearly if id only packed my shaker and 2 scoops of progain) as i was walked through the office and passed the staff room, expecting jars of sugar and masses of coffee i was met by a line of various whey protein products all individualy named and placed in acending height order! (they may be big and muscly but you cant stop the gays doing a little feng shui)

so dont delay get yourself down to holland and barretts and stock up and just to give you added evidence just look at what protein shakes did to this school boy!!! (p.s he is now my new step dad)

5: Pants. Red ones, gold ones, silver ones, black ones, pink ones they come in all colours and widths i am of course talking about designer underwear waistbands that are on show on much of the gay population! gays have embraced designer underwear since the days of marky mark in those early calvin klien adverts all the way through to Beckham, Ronaldo and Freddie Ljunberg in all their homoerotic posing in their crotch stuffing tightness glory! with pants population at an all time high, gays pants drawers are bursting at the seems! no tent polling pun intended! and the fashion producers of pants have fully embraced the power of our pink pound and by that i'm going far beyond the muscle toned lunchbox bulging model on the front of the packaging, as if us gays would be so fickle to buy underwear solely based on the attractiveness of the male model!! we all go for brains after all don't we?? but with so many brands of pants being launched online and in shops aimed at us gays you can never go wrong, you can even buy some designed by Kylie's gay bangle so you can pretend to be a kylie backing dancer whilst shaking your toushy! Now i know that we don;t all have the six ab toned stomach of these models but designer pants are the quickest and often cheapest way to ascend to the hotter ways of attractiveness and remember wearing a hot pair of pants is always the safer option for a number of reasons 1: if you get lucky and pull, do you really want to be caught out in your holey, ripped stained primark boxers, 2: Unconious in Hospital! now for a variety of reasons of how you would find yourself in this situation i will live it up to your imagination. but its the reason that a hot doctor has to cut off your jeans to operate would you rather him find hot pants or your grosse five year old grey that used to be white briefs?? and remember the Power of Pants can turn an ordinary hot guy into a god!! and for evidence of this i will show you these two examples, Nick Kamen in those Levi 501s adverts and Ben Cohen on this morning wearing nothing but his pants to raise awareness for Cancer, who also recreated the famous Kamen Laundry scene for a clip on Question of Sport!

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4: Straight Men Now this is listed for a multiple of reasons, the main reasons i feel are the perceived masculinity of straight men, (which is often a mistake, some of the campiest men i know are straight-wrestling for instance is not a show of strength its an extended hug where you're pressing your crotches against each other) but the main basis is in my opinion is the "want what you cant have" mentality. Straight men like girls not gays, all that gay for pay, men who fuck men is rubbish! you suck cock your a gay! and the one thing that I'm sure we have all experienced is the guy who doesn't call! you have a great first date,maybe you even put out and then you never hear from them, so you give them a text and you still hear nothing! because of this playing hard to get a guy you were half interested in is now they only thing you can think of! but if you do hear something you faced with a guy whose just keeping his options open if you don't hear anything just face it he doesnt fancy you and his too much of a douche to say it to you!

but i digress why gays like straight men? is it because if you live a gay majority life, by that i mean work and play! the only time you will mostly be coming into contact with straight men other than family (wrong) and friends (risky) and work colleagues (riskier) the majority of the time you will make contact with straight men will be WORKMEN! and im talking Village People Builder/Carry On/Confessions/Porn movie shenanigans. all the caught by the window cleaner, giving a plumber help with his pipes or the mechanic with his wrench euphemisms you could shake your arse at and they will most likely not be that good looking but cos of that fabrication of the media he is made a lot more attractive and the possibility of sex sounds a far more enjoyable experience

and with that is another and final reason the prospect of a conquest! seducingthe straight man is the ultimate ego boost to the vanity of a gay man its the plot of hundreds of porn films and gay novels: the seduction of a straight man the ultimate in wanting what you cant have. but a word to the wise learn to like what you have! they are straight for a reason and most of the time they come with crabs, children and an obsession for a games console that will always mean more to them than you!

3: The Shocked Expression on Straight Work Colleagues Faces of your Weekend Exploits on a Monday Morning!

This is often described as a water cooler moment where work mates meet up on their Monday morning breaks to discuss their weekend activities which often involve children, t.v shows like larkrise to candleford and countryfile and other mundane heterosexualist activities. but what they really want to hear is the juicy tit bits of our thrilling fun fueled weekend and as they lap up our stories of clubbing till the afternoon, sex on dancefloors, darkrooms, trains planes and automobiles any where we like, of boozing and cruising they live vicariously through us imagining the parallel world where they were not burdened by children, but one word of warning to be careful when embellishing, they do remember everything, probably better than we remember ourselves! even just the other day i made a passing comment about how many germs are on our work keyboards where i was quickly questioned as to why some germs would bother me when i happily sledge naked, pull guys on the last train home and some other adventures i've told them over the years. so just remember however much they give you the "gasp" and the "i would never do that kind of thing" "I'm just not that type of person" look remember its almost 99% of the time accompanied by a half smile except if your weekend involved you murdering a bus load of pensioners or attending a train spotting weekend thats just plain wrong!

2: Apple Products! Nowadays your a nobody until you have an I something or other and by that I'm clearly talking about Iphones Ipods, Nano's, shuffles and touch's and not forgetting Mac books and pro's. Now i understand that straights are also big fans of itunes and its many products but is there a product more designed for a gay man than an Iphone! a phone with all the mod cons that new phones have, cameras to take pictures of yourself for online profiles and ipod abilities to play all your music whilst working out

at the gym and more apps than you can shake your d**k at! work out apps to improve your abs, holiday apps and most importantly there is the app that the iphone was invented for and what cements its place on this gay list and that is Grindr (gaydar) for the iphone generation!

where you can cruise guys anywhere you are and find out how close they are to you, if you're lucky within meters! (sadly my Jack from lost look-a-like neighbor isn't on there) so you can cruise the talent at the next bar before you even arrive, why worry about that opening chat up line where you can fit in "hey what you looking for?" from across the bar and more often than not get a glimpse of what's under that top before you even possibly talk to them! why risk rejection!!

1: Beards

Now i know not all gays have beards mainly twinks! some of whom dont actually have the facial hair follicles to grow a proper one. others that i have seen both in Soho and in the Provinces try to cover it up with foundation!!! But for the purposes of this segment im mainly talking about BEARS and CLONES as ive been told they/we are called, Quinton Crisp's tall dark man, that so many gays are enamoured with, in order to attract a tall dark man we make ourselves look like a tall dark man and one of those signiture looks is a beard. a strong stereotype of masculinity remember god had a beard!!!! as to why so many gay men have beards im sure it is for a wide variety of reasons, vanity, laziness, fashion but it is clearly the thing for the moment with so many guys sporting them. in my circle of friends for instance i can think of only a few guys that don't have them and in a fair few places like vauxhall you would be in the minority not to have one!

Now i should point out that beards do come in a variety of colour's and style's and yes the gay beard look is one where we still except ginger beards as one of our own unlike so many heterosexuals, if you don't get what I'm talking about watch Game On a BBC sitcom starring Ben Chaplin and Samantha Janus and where i suspect that Gingest mentality first started or where i first came aware of it but we can still blame Chris Evans for being a twat for the nineties as to why it happened. but a Gay Beard does seem to be of a particular style and it is not a George Michael goatee it is the full chin/cheek/tache style as modeled by the man below, with the neck shaved and more often than not combined with cropped hair where the is a blur between beard and hair!

Stuff Gays Like

Well i couldn't think of anything to write for my old blog so i thought id start a new one and having been inspired by a book a friend was reading called "Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions" by Christian Lander, i felt inspired to create a copy/imitation call it what you will. entilted "Stuff Gays Like" now to clear up some small print before anyone gets upset and offended by this im talking to Gays not Christians, this is just meant to be a funny light hearted take on things that seem to be consistently apparent in the lives of a lot of gay men mainly the ones i know, i do not talk for every gay man nor will this list speak to every gay that reads it. so to little gays this is not a check list on how to be a proper gay but it may help! one final thing to anyone who does read this and has any ideas i should write about please feel free to suggest a topic, Chris x